You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
