Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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