p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
