Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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