i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
