Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize