You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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