I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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