She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
