i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
