I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
