i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
