thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
