were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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