I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
