Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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