While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
