I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
