Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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