can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
