Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
