You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
