Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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