I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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