how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
