You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
