i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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