I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
