I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
