It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
