just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
