Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
