If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
