My Higher Power is John Stamos
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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