Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
