i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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