I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
