My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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