After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize