Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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