fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
