i already hear my dad disowning me
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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