It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize