I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
