I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
