when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I think I am morally bankrupt
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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