How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
