i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
