Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
