Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
