Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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