i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
