i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize