Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
