Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
