Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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