So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
