My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
