I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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