i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
