I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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